Paul's Ego
"Man, bring on the nukes" - Paul's signature political belief Paul's Ego is the Drunken Peasants pet bitch boy and manatee enthusiast. Technically a host, he wasn't talented enough to actually earn a spot on the show and had to buy his way onto the show with sexual favors for TJ. If he was famous for anything on the show it's being fatter than TJ. Discription "I may be a villain trying not be a jerk. Fucking Magneto. How does he work?" —Part of Paul's rap. "I'm trying to change the world by complaining. And passing out hugs. Sometimes words matter as much as actions. " ―PaulsEgo PaulsEgo, or Fat bastard, is an obese, homeless piece of human garbage. He is a shorter and fatter TJ, as well as a good friend of the podcast. He has made guest appearances several times since the beginning of the podcast. He is a fan favorite and became a regular on every Friday show beginning with Episode 151. Description Paul is well known for his self deprecation (there's plenty of material for that), unenthusiastic resignation to pessimism, and having one eye higher on his face than the other. Paul is known to be the ugliest man in the known universe. They say that if you see his face in real life, you get turned into dog shit. Paul then eats the dog shit. All this is entirely factual, and he is still somehow the greatest guest in the show's history. He frequently does live hangouts on his YouTube channel and live streams on Twitch. Paul works at a job which he hates. Paul's Ego is the most outspoken detractor of Brett Keane to make a guest appearance. Despite frequent live hangouts, he very rarely ever uploads videos. By frequent admission of TJ, Paul is very well spoken and articulate in the videos he actually has uploaded. The peasants have many times expressed a desire to see Paul return to YouTube. When asked about starting his own podcast, Paul commented that there is no point since he is already a regular member of the greatest podcast known to humanity.1 History "Don't quote me boy cuz I ain't said shit!" — Paul on people misquoting him, DPP #167 Pauls' Ego has been through shittons of interesting and crazy shit. When he was 15-16, he LARPed before in a vampire LARPing event taking place at some big-ass mansion. A year later, at the same mansion, he went to a party that was suspiciously full of friendly people, the party quickly turned into a sex/BDSM/long fingernails/orgy party. When he was 8 he was abducted by aliens, and when he was 6 he and his friend shoved a screwdriver up his ass. Paul is a very sore loser and has sold entire games after being beaten by his friends at the game. He is a fan of Mass Effect and other, similar, RPGs. Paul a was member of a band during his youth, Apple Nasty. Their songs were mostly about the obscene, sang in a style comparable to that of a prepubescent Sex Twister. His songs have been featured on the show before, proving Paul was fucking hilarious even in his youth. Paul commented that pan use inspired the idea to start the band. Paul sexually and physically abused his little sister with a hamburger one night after being thrown out of his job at Blockbuster for secretly putting in midget banana porn in the DVD cases. He was also sick from mononucleosis, herpes, aids, hepatitis, explosive diarrhea, Jowlitis and worst of all, Swamp Taint. At the age of 20 years old, Paul had a big as fuck cyst on his butt cheeks (this was revealed on Episode 154). The cyst felt like an extra asshole. The cyst eventually exploded covering his entire house with shit, blood, puss, and other unknown fluids. Paul was out of commission for several months. The story was so disgusting that the Drunken Peasants were horrified and they ended the show. On Drunken Peasants "I have a question about the fan art: why does everyone make me look like a motherfucking bull frog?" ―Paul's response to the "Ugly Paul" art contest. Pauls has appeared many times on the podcast (seen below) as a fan-favorite recurring guest, notably in the religion debates vs. Keane's posse. Paul was recently announced to be a regular guest on Friday shows, starting with Episode 151. The Live Chat was overwhelmed at this announcement. A full playlist of episodes Paul has been featured in can be found here Paul is an atheist and has a very similar personal philosophy to TJ, although they have come into conflict in the past. He was for a long time considered best candidate for a fourth permanent member of the show (which would later come true) as he has scored as the fan's number one favorite guest in official DP polls. He had a particularly large role in the Brett Keane saga and is usually present when the peasants review a Keane video. Paul once tried to rape the Vigilant Christian by asking him questions in an attempt to disprove and attack the Vigilant Christian's personal worldview. Paul is revealed as a horrible disgusting sister-fucking cunt for what he did to poor Mario. So much so that he never wants to be on another episode featuring Paul ever again. Vs. Jim Ass Paul and Jim Ass are sworn enemies. Paul talked shit about Jim Ass and said that he came across as "loud and abusive". Jim was greatly offended (which is the worst thing you can do) and in turn started talking shit about Paul. Paul and Jim then had an epic battle filled with blood and guts. Paul attacked Jim with his planet-busting jowls. Jim drank too much and threw up on Paul. Being that Paul's power comes from being the fattest man in universe, it had minimal effect. The battle lasted for several minutes and ended with the two getting high on pan. Quotes * ""When I give food to the poor, they call me a saint. When I ask why the poor have no food, they call me a communist." -Hélder Câmara" * —Paul's Ego "Ooga Booga" —Paul's Ego being a terrible racist. * "Did someone say 'True Scotsman'?" —Paul assuming his true form. " * No Troo Scotsman" —Paul suffering from tourettes. " * If I've ever been angry with you in the past, I just wanted to say - fuck you. I was right. Accept it." ―Paul's Ego's ego.src * "That chick that was ranting and raving, about what the fuck ever she was ranting and raving about. Did you straight up say she had a horse face?" —Paul amused at TJ making fun of Jenny McDermott. * "I would knock the bottom out of Gail, dude." —Paul tries to fuck Gail. * "Dude, I would defile a gail sex robot; you don't wanna know what I would do. I would cover it in hypoallergenic honey, like organic honey, and let fire ants eat it and fuck it while the fire ants were biting it." —Springtime for Paul " * ...I dug up my children and put them on your front yard, can i get my 25,000$ now?.." —Paul's Ego talks about a SandyHook denialist. * "Gee, I've never been a nigga before!" —Paul joking with Tim Black after receiving his black card. * "It never ends with Brett. He's the perpetual, endless fucking victim. I don't know how you could ever not love this guy. He is so unaware of his own fucking absurdity. The existence of him is a fucking standing refutation to humanity's worth." —Paul, about the Brett Keane situation. * "Hot chick with a package?" —Paul's Ego * TJ: "I've become a centrist by default, as both sides have lost their collective minds." Paul: "Fuck centrism. I won't be chased out of the left." TJ: "I still identify as liberal. I mean that I feel like a centrist now because many have moved to extremist positions." Paul: "Understandable. I feel it's incumbent upon us sane leftists to be vocal and visible." — TJ and Paul over Twittersrc Trivia * Ben hosted a "Draw Ugly Paul's Ego" contest as one of the first DP art competitions. * Paul has an irrational hatred of Native Americans. He claims they are "niggers that never took a trip on a boat". Every person who has every been on the show, whether guest or panelist, has agreed with this statement. Scotty has even taken this a step further, citing the fact that Native Americans were not eradicated by European settlers as one of the greatest failures of organized religion. * Paul and TJ were once hostile to each other, but TJ bribed Paul and they became friends. * A Paul-hater sent a Troll Poll question to Drunken Peasants. * He is extremely fat and weighs more than TJ (Yes, it is possible to be fatter than TJ) * Paul is Pennywise * Paul is looking forward to Ben's death according to the Episode 100 preshow. * Rumor has it that he ate the banana that TJ stuck up his ass. * Paul jokingly presented himself as antisemitic in the Episode 100 preshow. * Paul has been a Ben apologist from the very start.2 * On Episode 143 it is revealed that Paul can rap pretty well for a white guy. * Paul is the greatest when his nipple is tweaked and when he tweaks other nipples. * Paul loves putting lobsters on his nipples. * Paul has a highly infectious disease called, "Swamp Taint" Paul is religiously devoted to calling pancakes 'flapjacks.' * Not even Commander Shepherd of Mass Effect wants to fuck him. * He's a direct supporter of the DP Wiki. * He and The Vigilant Christian are now sworn enemies. * He once believed in Scientology.3 * His favorite video game of all time is Diablo.4 * He shares a first name with his father, making him a Paul Jr.5 * Paul worships the god known as Ooga Booga. He sacrifices children to Ooga Booga every day, then eats the dead children. * Paul is so fat that he is considered a four dimensional object. As such, the true nature of his fatness cannot be comprehended at this point in scientific knowledge. * Paul comes from an Irish background.6 * Paul grew up with five sisters.7 * Paul has a torpedo dick, but he is so fat that his gut covers it and makes it look small. * Paul gets raped by Xenomorphs daily. * Monkey King Bambina forces Paul to lick his balls every night. * Paul is a certified Brett Keane historian. * Paul is 1/128th Italian. His great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great grandfather, Paulus Zigo, founded the Jesuit order. * Paul is the second coming of Jesus Christ, and often assists our hero Gail Chord Schuler in stopping millions of Jesuit rapists every day via Skype. * Being on the Drunken Peasants has helped Paul overcome his depression. He further states that no matter what happens with him with the peasants going forward, he will always be grateful for that.8 * Paul smokes pan almost everyday, but will sometimes take a tolerance break.9 * Paul currently resides in the Californian conservative shithole of Fresno. * Paul is possibly responsible for the murder of a truckers wife (seriously). * TJ threatened to fist Paul's asshole with goat cheese during Episode 198. * Paul is into clopping, aka slapping two horse hooves against his cock. This was finally exposed in Episode 216. Category:Atheists Category:Characters